Hmmm??? It wasn’t much of a new day. Oh well.

I am in so much pain right now. Why? Fuck, I don’t know. Nothing really happened, at least not to me or to anyone in a way that would affect me. It doesn’t matter what happened exactly, believe me. What matters is that I feel something that I don’t feel I have a reason to feel. I know that you don’t need reasons to have emotions, but they are caused somehow. Except this pain that I feel. It’s not even because of any psychiatric disorders. No matter who I’d tell they wouldn’t be able to see why I’m feeling this. They might think that they have an idea but it’s little more than a facade.

I wish I was able to make more sense than I’m making now, I really do. All I can hope is that someone finds this interesting in whatever way. If this was written by someone else and I saw it, I would probably scoff at it. Seriously. Unless I’m being too hard on myself right now. Pain does that, you know.

All I can do for the time being is write these words. No sympathetic ears are available. I’m constantly trying to figure it out but I feel like I’m going around in circles. Maybe it’s an upward spiral. Or downward.

I just realized that my younger brother and cousin reads this. Yes laugh, guys, laugh. Get your own fucking web site why don’t you. Talk about your Pokemons and Super Mega Advanced Game Boy. Go away : þ

Tommorow’s a new day. Hopefully.

This will be either the most personal or the most vague entry I have written for this site. And there are quite a few personal and vague entries here. But anyway, here goes.

I’m going to try to explain something that is as inexpicable as Burning Man, (which I’m going to in a few dayswoooo!). It isn’t an event per se. It’s a psychological pheneomenom, let’s say. And I only know it to occur in my case. When I first described in in my personal journal in 1993 or thenabouts, I named it my MIND, in all-caps, to distinguish it from my plain old mind. I now call it The-Thing-I-Have-A-Hard-Time-Explaining. It’s the best I can come up with right nowit’s better than my MIND!

Now, you might be thinking I’m some kind of schizoid for separating one part of my self from the rest and giving it a name. It’s not schizophrenia or multiple personality disorder. It may seem like it but it seems like a lot of things. It’s amorphous. It’s as if it’s designed to be unknowable, but only in the same sense that insects seem to be intelligently designed to protect themselves (they’re not). It keeps me from talking about it by making me feel shame, or be fearful of humiliation. And I’m only personalizing it for sake of explanation. I don’t think that its actually someone else inside my head. I don’t hear voices or anything. But it does influence my thoughts and my emotions. And that’s precisely why this bothers me.

Let’s take this afternoon for example. It was a typical Monday and I was programming or analyzing at work (while coming off a caffeine high and back into a state of drowsiness) when the phone rang. This part, I don’t want to get into the particulars of. When I hung up, I was severely perturbed. I was distraught. It wasn’t an announcement of someone’s death or anything like that. It was good news, if anything. Rationally, I was able to see that it’s nothing special, at least not for me.

???

An old friend decided to contact me while writing this, so I lost my train of thought and I might continue this subject sometime later. I want to. So stay tuned! Go and enjoy the Masturbation section or something.

People are always complaining. I hate that.